You’ll never be as good as the boys

You ‘ll never be as good as the boys

 

After high school, in the province of Quebec, in Canada, there is this transition school call CEGEP.

 

At first, I studied communication. But I hated it. Not for me. I am an introvert person. What the fuck I am going in communication for. So, I gave up.

 

Then I discovered jazz. I was taking guitar lessons with some dude in a music school located in a mall.

 

He thought I was good enough to do an audition to get into the jazz program in CEGEP. I failed two times until I was able to make it. I was so proud of myself.

 

Then, I started teaching at the music school in the mall. I remember my guitar teacher being mad for some reason. I think he did not really believe that I was gonna make it after two failed times. He was always low key disrespectful with me. I was young. But now I am realizing it. I wanted to get into the jazz program so bad that I did not notice how he was speaking to me.

 

He would always say things like “Oh I am always gonna be better than you. You know that right?” He would sometimes ask me to go get him coffee like he was some sort of king or something.  After a couple of months, he got fired. Because he was seeing some of his students outside of the music school.  He then wrote me a email accusing me of telling the boss. Boy you got caught. When he left, I took his students.

 

 

Then I started CEGEP. That was one of the worst timesin my entire life. I got bullied almost every day. I got mocked because the boys thought I played like shit. I remember that one course. I hated this class. It was a class specially for the guitarists. The teacher thought I was so bad that he did not let me play during the class. He passed my turn like I was nothing. This teacheralso was my guitar teacher. Let’s call him Bob. Every class was a nightmare. I did not have a great sight reading nor I knew all the freakin’ notes on the guitar neck. But I was there to learn.

 

Bob would always say to me that all the boys got it right and I was the only one that cannot play anything. I felt soooooo lonely. I was depressed every day.

 

I did not wanted to give him reason, so I was in practice rooms at school for 6 hours a day and when I was at home, I was practicing 9 to 12 hours. I did not stop practicing. I got better. Of course. But my mental health was in serious bad shape.

 

Then, it was the time to apply for university. Bob said to me that I would never make it to a good university. I could forget it. I thought, he is right I suck so bad, I can forget about my dream school.

 

I eventually got into the worst school for jazz in Montreal. Everybody could get in, whether you had 1 or 2 year of playing. And guess what? The bullying continued.

 

That was the second worst time of my life. My mental health got so bad that I did not even finish the program. I remember the composition course. We had to write a piece every week. Then, they would invite students to play them during class. People would laugh at my compositions. Some said my pieces sounded like Joni Mitchell. And now I realize. Is it a bad thing? I freakin’ love Joni Mitchell she is such an incredible musician.

 

When the composition teacher asked about what we thought about a particular jazz tune, every studentwould come up with clever things to say about what they thought, like technical music shit.

 

Then me, when I was asked what I thought, I just said how it made me feel. And I got mocked for that. Isn’t it all about that, music? Feelings?

 

The teachers also refused I get into the jazz ensembles because, you know, I suck.

 

 

Anyway, I got sick of all the bullying. So I left the university and took a teaching job. At the same time, I was taking private guitar lessons and compositionlessons.  I was also concentrating on my music career. And I worked on my mental health.

 

 

I got grants to create my first EP. Another grant to create my first album. I got nominated to the JUNOS.It is like the Canadian Grammys.  I am now touring.

 

And oh, I got a 9000$ scholarship to study jazz performance in one of the best schools for jazz in Montreal.

 

A couple of months ago, during jazz fest, I stumbledon Bob in some bar. He tapped on my shoulder and ask me what I was up to. I said to him that I got into the best school for jazz and that I got nominated for a JUNO. The deception in his face. What an asshole.

 

All that to say, never give up on your dreams. I now continue my music path with sovereignty. Nobody walks on my feet. Nobody plays like me, and I play like nobody else. I am unique.

 

The end 🫶🏿